FREE
FUNNY JOKES
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's
wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting
in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen,
shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office
with just one chair."
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I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
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I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was
fired because I wasn't up to it.
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Question: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door.
Question: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close
the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door.
Question: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
Question: There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by
crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending
the Animal Meeting!
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Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work
late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet
the boss in the parking lot.
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I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
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Murphy's Law:
Office equipment that has broken down will work perfectly when the
repairman arrives.
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the
other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that
read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone
had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she
wants her sign back!"
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I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
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A young executive was leaving the office one evening
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece
of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant
has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO
had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I need two copies of that."
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To err is human.
To forgive is against company policy.
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I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it.
Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
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Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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After many years of trying to find steady work
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future
in it.
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I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
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Our policy is to always blame the computer.
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A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire
without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door
for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
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